A Maudlin December

December, from what I can tell, is the month of lethargy and despondency. This is the first December of my life where I have not been involved in the hubbub of educational systems, and the excitement for Christmas wanes dramatically as the years pass. I've found the past few months to be trying - no set schedule, nowhere to go, living for the small excitements that some days bring and waiting on days that lack it - that are ever on the increase.

I always assumed December was the month of frenzied activity due to the 24 days preceding to Christmas. In the past two years, I always had the exams to get over with, the continual interaction with people during the day, the watching of the clock as every 40 minute class session passed... Mainly however, the anticipation of the weekend, and what would come with it - weekly savings scrounged to buy a few packets of Marlboro Reds, messy chemicals and some foul tasting, hard hitting alcohol to warm the winter night. All for what?

This December the time is slow, and I no longer watch the clock - I know the sun sets just that little bit earlier every day, and will continue to until the twenty-first. The light is blue-tinged by half two, but not fully enough to pale pink toned features out of vibrancy. By six it is black, and some nights the sky is clear, especially as of late. The milky way glows softly in prominence above my house, and the big dipper is always to the right.

Eventually I have been forced into noticing - characteristics, flaws, mannerisms - of the people I spend the most time with, and more than that, myself... Qualities I never saw as I never wanted to look, never needed to see, never had to search.
The more I have to look at myself, the more I heal - but at the same time, subconscious flesh is so much more raw and easily bruised, the very thing I spent so long trying to scar. Years staring into the mirror searching, and now when I'm finally finding myself, I hardly look at all. It seems foolish to have spent hours looking for someone, or something I could never find, until I stopped clouding my reflection with numbness. Fixating on any substance I could see, instead of the far more substantial invisible inner being, will always be my greatest regret.

I digress - December - I conclude to myself that the lack of light is what slows the world into lethargy. A few weeks away are my last years resolutions - I tend to forget what I wrote, but I'm sure it will be naive and guileless, two of my lesser qualities that were stripped away quite forcefully a few months ago.
However, January propels us all into another bout of excited self-loathing, guilt and promises to ourselves, so I have that to look forward to - at least the world will be active.

5 comments

  1. I must say, I am so pleased that I checked out your blog after loving your stylings on lookbook. I feel exactly the same way about this December, especially now that Santa isn't as real as he used to be. Somehow, though, it helps to know that someone else is feeling the winter blues as well.
    Brownies are a good band-aid, though.

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  2. you're a great writer. i enjoyed that. have a happy holiday!

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  3. That was amazing. Awesome post. Lovely blog!



    toshima-sushi.blogspot.com

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  4. I nominated you for an award on my blog! I loveeeee your blog :) You have such great makeup and fashion sense!

    http://cherylsbeautyblog.blogspot.com

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  5. Yes, amazing post (:
    let's look forward to Jan.
    At least there will be good movies next year like Alice In The Wonderland

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